How to move on from a breakup when you want to stay friends with your ex, according to a therapist
- Healing from a breakup requires creating time and space to focus on yourself, a therapist said.
- If you have the resources, consider moving out. If you can't talk to your ex and set boundaries.
- Set aside any hopes you have for a future relationship with your ex to avoid feeling stuck.
Dear Julia,
My ex-partner and I live together even though we recently broke up.
I know I should try to move on, but I'm struggling to figure out how, especially since the breakup was unexpected for me.
We've lived together for two years and have dated for almost three years. Up until last year, things were great. We had such deep love and connection and frequently talked about our future together.
But for the past year, I've been really struggling with my mental health. I was frequently irritable over stupid things, and didn't make time for my partner. We rarely had sex. Eventually, my partner told me they no longer felt loved or appreciated, and we both admitted to feeling like roommates.
After that, we agreed to take a two-week break while they went on a planned family trip. I did a lot of apologizing for my actions and acknowledging the hurt I caused, which they appreciated and said was reassuring to hear. We had a really great few days before they left and it seemed like we would work things out. But when they came back, they ultimately ended things.
They say that they still love me deeply, but don't have the energy needed to resurrect our relationship. But since we're still living together and share a dog, I feel confused. With the exception of removing intimacy, we're still going to interact every day and will have a front row seat to the progress we're making on ourselves as individuals. When I brought this up, they said they stand by needing a break and don't want to lead me on.
I feel like we're in purgatory! How can I live with my ex while hoping to repair our relationship?
I hate that I inadvertently mistreated and took for granted the person I care about most in this world, and sincerely want my ex to see that I'm capable of being a loving person, even if we aren't romantically involved in the future.
-New York, 25
Dear New York,
I'm sorry that you feel like you're in relationship purgatory right now. I've also experienced an unexpected breakup with someone who I lived with, and remember the weeks that followed as a blur of confusion, sadness, shock, and desperation.
Having to suddenly disentangle your life from someone you love can be agonizing, but it's the only way to overcome that in-between feeling.
You didn't share why you and your ex are continuing to cohabitate, but regardless of the reason, this setup could make it difficult to step into this new stage of your life, therapist Patrice Le Goy told me.
"Usually, with breaking up, you don't have to be around that person while you heal. You don't have to witness that person dating new people or doing things without you," Le Goy said.
She said that, depending on your circumstances, you should consider moving out and finding your very own space to heal. As hard as it may be to move on when you hope for a future with your ex, having to witness daily reminders of your breakup while living together will likely hurt you more in the long run, according to Le Goy.
Try to take hope out of the equation — at least for now
In your letter to me, you mentioned that you hope to repair your relationship with your ex.
But holding on to that hope too tightly right now could make circumstances between the two of you worse in the long run, Le Goy said. Your ex said that they don't want to lead you on and they need to be alone right now. You should take their words at face value, Le Goy said.
She said that ignoring your ex's words, and using your energy to imagine what this relationship could be in the future, will likely prolong that feeling of being in purgatory. It could also lead your ex to resent you.
"Hopefulness is not a bad thing, but sometimes holding on to a hope that's not there can be really limiting. There's no downside to expanding your life outside of your ex," Le Goy told me.
If you can't move out, set boundaries with your ex
Le Goy suggested you lean into newness, or revisit old hobbies and friendships, as a way to cope with this new stage of life.
Even if you have to keep living with your ex for financial or safety reasons, seeking out opportunities to exist outside of them can help you remember who you are, and all you have to gain, outside of this relationship. If that's going to be the case, talking with your ex about boundaries — like sleeping in different rooms of the house, or not talking to each other about new dates you go on — could be helpful in starting to move on separately.
And, if you don't feel super hopeful about branching out right now, that's OK. It takes time to come to terms with a big change like the one you're experiencing and untangle those difficult emotions enough to take a step forward, without someone you're used to seeing and loving every day.
Months or years from now, it's possible that you and your ex could reconnect. But that shouldn't be your guiding light, Le Goy said. Rather, your focus should be on taking care of yourself and giving yourself the room to embrace a new and uncertain chapter, she said.
Turning away from someone you love can feel like admitting defeat, but it's actually one of the bravest things you can do. In doing so, you're respecting your ex's needs and also showing yourself that you have faith that you will figure out what to do next, even if it's hard.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
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